Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Down Time

I'm having a down period at the moment. For as long as I can remember I've had these down times - times where I just want to shrink into a corner and not be seen or heard. Times where I see no positives in my life or the world around me. Times where I just want to be left alone because I see no value in my existence.

My body feels like a prison, I ache to my very bones. My shoulders sag and my head feels too heavy to remain upright. My brain pounds behind my eyes, making them feel too big for the sockets which contain them. My legs and arms feel like weights, requiring great effort to lift them or to walk. All this (coupled with the cold weather) makes it almost impossible to get out of bed each morning to face yet another fuckin day of the same routine - piss, shower, dress, drink, contact lenses, teeth, hair, shoes, walk, bus, work, lunch, work, bus, walk, dinner, contact lenses, teeth, bed.

I loose all interest in what is going on. I have no interests to keep me occupied. Sure, there are things that interest me for a short time, but nothing that holds my interest long enough to become a passion. Even my friends and family don't interest me when I'm like this - and they don't understand. I go quiet, quieter than normal, and they ask "what's wrong?" to which I reply "just not feeling too well". I don't know how to explain to them that I'm just waiting to die, that I pray to God every night to just let me die in my sleep and not have to face another day like this.

He hasn't answered my prayers yet - perhaps my faith is reciprocated.

I'll be back to normal soon.

Songs played while writing this entry:
"Zebra" John Butler Trio
"Sunday Bloody Sunday" U2
"Aint Armand" Armand Van Helden
"The First Cool Hive" Moby
"Patience" Guns N Roses

"Breakfast At Sweethearts" Cold Chisel


Stella B Smith said...

Get well soon. Listening to Crosby Stills Nash helps.

Ron Davison said...

I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate, though, to the feeling of wanting to withdraw from the world. I think we all go through cycles like that and you're perfectly right to say that it'll pass.
My own recommendation, should you care to pursue it, would be books by Csikszentmihalyi. Flow or Evolving Self are great reads and may well help you to deal with these funks. At least it did me, so I may simply be projecting. Also, watching something like Groundhog Day - or whatever makes you laugh and reminds you of what it means to be human - might help. Finally, if this occurs too often and / or lasts too long, you may want to run tests, considering the possibility that it doesn't stem from philosophy or mood.
Sorry to prattle on so long offering advice that you likely have already considered, but better redundant than not at all with such info, I suspect. Take care.

paisley said...

omg... this week you are me.... i feel like that so often.. and when i do... i indulge it. i hibernate, i sleep and eat and read and write and feel sorry for myself, and pour myself out as elegantly as i can onto a piece of paper or a computer keyboard....and some how,, some way ,, for some reason... something happens and i come back to life...this time it was buying a domain name, and working diligently to create my own web page,, knowing as i do,, nothing about html.. css... or anything else like that... it sounds weird... but its working....

cooper said...

Feel better and come out soon. I'll be thinking of ya.

flametree said...

Hi All

Thanks for your concern and advice, it's really touching to know that people I've not met in person can be as sympathetic and encouraging as you have been.

It's also reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who goes through these phases from time to time. The post itself wasn't really a cry for help (I'm used it by now!) but a way of just venting the frustration I feel when one of these moods hits. Recieving such encouragaing comments from you really helped drag me back up on my feet again.

Again, thankyou.


Snoskred said...

Hi, I'm reading you via the Australian Blogs Community at Bumpzee, on the RSS feed.

You're not the only one to feel this way, and I believe feeling this way even has a name, it's called depression and is more common than anyone would like to admit. I wrote a blog post about it which I called Combat Strategies a little while back. Maybe some of the things I posted there might help.


Jackal said...

Sounds as if at times you need a hug.

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